Archive: What Every Christian Should Know About Self-Esteem

by William P. Wilson, M.D.

The woman kneeling in front of me nodded agreement as I prayed: “Lord, Mary feels so dirty and despoiled. Let her know that she has been cleansed. She has been washed in Your blood, and now she doesn’t have the dark blots on her soul that she had before You came into her life.

“Let her see herself clothed in the garments of righteousness that You gave her. Let her believe that You have accepted her unconditionally, no matter what happened to her in the past. Take away her feelings that she is dirty and unworthy. Let Your love flow through her to affirm her worth.”

While I continued to pray, tears streamed down Mary’s cheeks as she released the pent-up shame, hurt, and anger that had been bottled up in her since childhood.

Mary was a victim of incest. Her father had sexually abused her from the time she was 12 until age 15. During this time, Mary knew in her heart that the incestuous relationship was wrong. But she didn’t know what to do about it.

Eventually her father stopped abusing her, but the damage was done. Thereafter, Mary saw herself as dirty, despoiled, and loathsome.

Because no corrective had ever been applied to her erroneous evaluation of herself, Mary had always seen herself negatively. Mary had low self-esteem.

Self-esteem is determined largely by the things that happen to us in our lives, especially in childhood. Mary had been abused sexually, but others are abused emotionally, physically, or verbally. Verbally abused children come to believe that they are whatever they may have been called: “dumb,” “stupid,” “lazy”, “slut,” “whore.”

Another woman, Sally, was a secretary who worked for me. She was quite efficient, an excellent typist, and extremely reliable. Unfortunately, she had a negative attitude toward patients, and it angered many of them.

I knew I had to do something to help Sally change her approach with patients. Talking with her about the problem was of no avail. Finally I decided that I would affirm Sally in every way I could.

I resolved to find something for which to praise or compliment her every day for three months. If she had not improved at the end of that time, I would have to ask her to transfer to a job that didn’t involve patient contact.

One morning, about two weeks into my campaign, I came into the office and noticed that Sally’s hair had been cut and restyled, and that she was wearing a new pantsuit.

As soon as I noticed, I asked her to stand up so I could see her new outfit better. Then I complimented her on her appearance.

I had hardly gotten the words out of my mouth when Sally began to cry. I asked her why.

“Dr. Wilson,” she said, “you are the first person who has ever told me I looked attractive. My daddy always told me I was ugly and didn’t know how to dress. … My husband never tells me anything.”

I don’t need to tell you the end of the story. As Sally found out that her view of herself was based on lies, she became a different person. And she began relating lovingly to my patients.

Our world is full of Marys and Sallys. However, such abuse is not the cause of all low self-esteem. Much of it has its origin in rejection, love withdrawal, or failure to love.

Parents reject children in many ways: by telling them that Mom or Dad doesn’t love them, by telling children they are burdens, or making them feel that they are burdens.

Less overtly, parents may reject their children by ignoring them. Countless numbers of today’s children experience rejection from parents who are so wrapped up in their own lives that they spend very little time with their children.

The increasing problem of divorce also causes many children to feel rejected and, thus, not worthy of love. Because a loving relationship with one’s father is essential to good self-esteem, his desertion is likely to give rise to low self-love. Children of divorce are at greater risk than others of developing psychiatric problems in childhood, adolescence, or in adult life.

Finally, physical defects can cause low self-esteem. Many people who are crippled or deformed, who have strawberry marks, hairy moles, hare lips and/or cleft palates, as well as other stigmata, may be shunned, teased, or ridiculed by their peers. This kind of rejection can produce low self-worth.

In recent years, a flood of books and articles has been written on the subject of self-esteem. Many of them offer valuable insights. But a lot of this material is less than helpful, and Christians should approach it with discernment.

For example, some of the most widely circulated books on self-esteem are based on the idea that “you’ll become rich and successful if you can just see yourself rightly.” Such thinking is not compatible with Christian beliefs. Our Lord tells us not to lay up treasures on earth but to lay them up in heaven (Matthew 6:19-21). The writer of Hebrews exhorts us to be satisfied with what we have, for God will always take care of our needs (Hebrews 13:5).

Other writings on self-esteem focus too narrowly, on just one aspect of the subject. For example, they might focus exclusively on either the psychological, social, or spiritual foundations of self-esteem.

I am convinced that only when we use God’s standards of evaluation are we able to deal effectively with the problem of low self-esteem. But to use God’s standards, we have to look at ourselves wholistically, and not focus on just one aspect of our nature. With that in mind, let’s look at: (1) the concept of self, (2) factors that determine self-esteem, and (3) the spiritual aspects of self-esteem.

The concept of self

Self is the whole of us. It is the person that we are. It is our body and all of its parts (corpus), our biological drives (sarx), and our soul (psyche) which is made up of our intellect, emotions, and the animating force that drives us, called spirit (pneuma). Derived from soul and spirit is our will.

In addition to these basic components, our self-concept is formed in part by how we view ourselves in regard to our natural talents and abilities, such as musical and artistic talent, athletic prowess, or mathematical aptitude. And, as we have already seen, our self-concept—our understanding of who we are as persons—is influenced by a host of other factors, especially in the childhood years.

More specifically, though, what are some of the key determinants that contribute to a healthy view of ourselves?

Factors that determine self-esteem

We can do little to change our basic nature, but what we can do is direct it appropriately. This we learn to do as we are disciplined in childhood. I am using discipline here, in the broadest sense, to mean instruction (Ephesians 6:4), for real discipline includes instruction as well as rewards and punishment.

Discipline provides us with the coping mechanisms that help us live in an environment which is both nurturant and dangerous. To master the environment, we need knowledge that includes our value systems as well as emotional control. Both help us develop the social skills needed to live in harmony with others. The ability to cope with the environment, then, is a necessity if we are to have good self-esteem.

Scientific studies have observed that high self-esteem is found in children of parents who have it themselves. Also, parents with high self-regard almost always want their children. The degree of “wantedness” with which a child is received in the family is another determinant of high self-esteem. Parents who want their children almost always provide the unconditional love children need to develop good self-esteem.

Peers also play an important role in determining self-esteem. As the child is socialized into the larger community of his culture, his peers tend to force conformity to their standards.

It is with peers that the child with defects may have the most problems. When a child is markedly different in physical appearance, intelligence, dress, behavior, or athletic ability, he or she is likely to be overtly or covertly rejected by peers.

A spouse is an important determinant in the maintenance of self-esteem. Often, a person who appraises herself negatively cannot believe or accept affirmation. So, she selects a mate who also appraises her negatively. But, on the other hand, the low self-lover might select a mate who accepts and affirms her. If so, her self-esteem will be enhanced.

When constantly demeaned, criticized, or belittled by a spouse, even persons with high self-esteem may come to doubt their worth. The maintenance of good or poor self-esteem is greatly influenced by a good or bad marriage.

Any or all of these environmental factors can influence the way we view ourselves, and thus produce tendencies toward either high or low self-esteem. Christians believe, however, that environment is not the whole story. Self-esteem can be profoundly influenced by a right relationship with God.

Spiritual aspects of self-esteem

Without God we are essentially left with only the world’s appraisal as the mechanism that determines our self-worth. But to be loved unconditionally by Him, and to feel the wantedness and acceptance that His kingdom can afford us, will help us value ourselves rightly.

If you have not accepted God’s appraisal of you, but have continued to believe the lies of those who have viewed you negatively, there is something you can do about it. The first step is to correct any distorted concepts of the image of God in you. These distortions often arise out of negative experiences with parents in the childhood years.

Make a list of your vices and virtues, your assets and liabilities, perfections and imperfections. Then ask yourself if the negative aspects you’ve listed really make a difference in your acceptance by the majority of people in the world around you, especially those to whom you relate most often. Next, begin to apply the corrective of the truth revealed by God in His Word to the list of lies you have believed. For example:

God has declared every one of us to be of infinite worth. He sent His Son to die for us so that we might have eternal life (John 3:16). Jesus explained that there is no love greater than that manifested when a person gives up his life for his friends. And that’s what Jesus did for us (John 15:13-14).

We also know that God has given us His Spirit to guide and direct our lives (Romans 5:5; 8:14-17), to comfort us (II Corinthians 1:3-7), and to help heal the negative aspects of our personality so we can have the peace that He promised us (John 14:27).

God has promised to raise us up to rule with Christ in the heavenly realm (Ephesians 2:6), and in so doing He has made us princes and princesses. Then to top it all off, He has given us all of the things that He gave the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:18-19).

God has also given us the privilege of addressing Him as “Daddy” (Abba), and has given us His Spirit to declare that we are His children (Romans 8:15, 16). Those of us who love our children know that the ideal parent-child relationship is characterized by unconditional acceptance. When we view our own children, we recognize and accept their negative attributes and try to help them overcome these defects. God does the same thing for us!

Remember Mary, the woman whose self-esteem had been crippled by incest? Although she had a well-proportioned figure and a pretty face, she could never believe that any young man would want to date her. Even when they asked her out, she refused because she feared they would reject her if they ever found out her secret.

By the time her father quit abusing her, the emotional pain had become so great that Mary began to smoke marijuana for relief. She felt guilty about the drug use, though. So in time she turned to God for help. It was during this search for help that she attended the conference where I was speaking.

During my lecture I said that God could heal even the effects of incest, an act that inflicts one of the deepest wounds on the human soul that I encounter. Mary realized then that there was a way out.

I gave an invitation to come forward for healing prayer, and Mary was one of the first to come. She headed straight for me. For the first time in her life she knew she could pour out her soul, and she did!

After I had heard her confession, we prayed. God answered. Mary was healed of both her low self-esteem and her need for marijuana. She became the new person God had created her to be.

Dr. William P. Wilson, a certified psychiatrist, is director of the Institute of Christian Growth in Burlington, North Carolina.