Archive: “God Don’t Let Me Go!”

by Margaret Therkelsen

I’m going to fight this thing. I’m going to be healed,” my father had said the night before. The next day I watched this weakened, 80-pound man’s body sag and turn to clay. I watched as his spirit left his body. In that instant I knew Dad was healed. He was walking with the Lord. Dad was completely whole. In the same instant the Holy Spirit moved on me and said, “Margaret. I want to make you whole. Will you trust me now? Will you let me show you some things? Walk with me. Come to me everyday. Let me teach you.” Overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit, I paced the floor of the hospital room.

I then went to the door to summon a nurse to confirm that Dad was dead. When this young nurse came to the door, he hesitated, then he stepped back. “What’s going on in here?” he asked. “Are you alright?”

“Oh, I’m flooded with the joy of the Lord,” I told him. “I’ve never seen anyone die before, but I think my dad has gone on, and I know he’s healed.”

I was 36 years old the day my father died. That was the day I had to start my life over. For ten years I had lived in rebelliousness.

But rebelliousness wasn’t the norm for me. I had grown up in the parsonage. My mother and father strongly believed in the power of prayer. I remember well hearing my father’s booming voice as he prayed from the pulpit. My mother’s prayers were never audible; still, as a child, I sensed the awesome power of her closet prayers.

At a young age, I surrendered my life and my career in music to God’s service. I spent summers at Camp Farthest Out learning about prayer from Agnes Sanford, Starr Daily, Louise Eggleston and others. I was completely convinced of the necessity of an active prayer life, and I was a part of many small prayer groups.

Nurtured by the teachings of great men and women, I had begun a real spiritual quest. But unsuspectingly, at age 24 I wandered into the darkest time of my life.

It was during a session with a Christian leader whom I most trusted that I realized, in spite of appearances, he was not walking with the Lord. His curiosity with eastern mysticism, the occult and white magic had a powerful impact on him. He had drifted away from keeping Jesus and the Word of God central in his life.

I was crushed. I was frightened. “If God couldn’t hold this man steady, where did that leave me? If he was deceived while being so committed to God’s ways, maybe I had better rethink going deeper with God.”

I tried my best to absorb the disillusionment. I talked and prayed with others, but something had been jolted inside me, and the pieces would not fit back together.

In my desperate need for companionship, I began dating a man 15 years older than me. He was slick, personable and very handsome—even my parents liked him.

He wanted me to marry him. He poured hundreds of dollars into marvelous gifts for me. He was clever, but there was something about him that made me uneasy. I could never put my finger on what message I was getting from him. He would say something and two hours later, deny it. Red lights signaled it was wrong to date him. Still, I chose disobedience.

When finally I broke off with him, I was left feeling emotionally shredded. There was nothing left for me. I had placed my trust in the Christian community, and now my foundation was kicked out from under me.

Antagonism Swelled

I had thought I was one of God’s favorites. I thought He would not allow anything like this to happen to me. Anger within me germinated and poisoned my attitudes and contorted my concept of God. Antagonism toward the Holy Spirit swelled. “God can’t keep His people straight,” was the message underlining it.

But preacher’s kids are wonderful actors. I continued to be active in my church. I even led a small group, teaching Thomas Kelly’s Testament of Devotion. I said all the right words. I knew all the right prayers. But I was miserable. Desperately alone in my vacuum of rebellion, I felt so far away from God.

But through it all, I never stopped praying. “God, don’t let go of me,” was the root of all my prayers. ‘I’m going to come back to you. I will surrender myself completely to you, but not now. Don’t let go. Don’t leave me.”

Practicing piano 8-10 hours a day, I poured the devotion that was rightfully God’s into my music. I performed as often as possible. Music was my escape; it became my idol.

In the midst of this agony I married John Therkelsen, and in 1972 he and I returned to central Kentucky where my parents still lived.

My father had contracted a rare disease that was killing him by inches. For the next seven years I watched, helplessly, as Dad’s body slowly deteriorated. My sister and I attended daily to Dad’s needs. At 7:00 each morning, we took turns going to the house to help Dad get out of bed and into a wheelchair. We dressed him and fed him. Dad couldn’t use his legs. He could barely use his arms. The feeling in his hands was going. But through it all, he never complained.

Day after day, driving from home to work alone in my car, I raged at God, “How can you do this? My father has served you in the ministry for 40 years, how can you let him be like this? You’re unfair. You don’t stand by your people.” And yet in my heart, I knew God wasn’t unfaithful.

During those lonely journeys, I was so aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit with me in the car. “It’s alright. I know how you feel,” He’d assure me. ‘I’m at work. Don’t you forget it. I don’t abandon my people. I will prove it to you.”

My husband and I housed Dad for several months at a time to give my mother a rest. One day as I rolled him into the kitchen, he murmured, “Well, Margaret, you have to be willing to be a vegetable for God. I am willing to do that.”

I stood at the stove. stirring his soup for lunch with tears streaming down my face. “Lord, God, have mercy! How can this man who knows his body is dying talk this way? How can Dad be so faithful when he suffers so?” Again, the Holy Spirit’s voice was so real to me. He told me, “I will show you, Margaret. I am always faithful to my people.”

Finally, after years of anguish and anger towards God, I resigned. “Lord, I’m ready,” I decided, “I want to see your side of this. I’m open to what you have to say.”

Healing Came

Quickly thereafter, as I stood in a sterile hospital room, I watched as the spirit of God’s faithful servant went to be with his Lord. I have never known a peace so sweet. Waves of God’s presence flooded the room. I knew God had rewarded His servant. He had healed Dad, and He had healed me!

I’ve heard it said when a person goes on to heaven, his prayers are multiplied by infinity. In the moment in the hospital room, I believe Dad’s prayers for me were multiplied by infinity.

I watched the team of nurses prepare the corpse. I couldn’t leave the room. During those solemn moments, I repented for all the lost years. I covenanted to meet with the Lord at 6:00 each morning seven days a week.

The days ahead weren’t easy ones. Through my times alone in the morning with God He reminded me of situations in which I had wronged others. I was required to humble myself and ask forgiveness. For over a year I made restitution. I had a strange sense the Holy Spirit was preparing me for something more.

Life-changing Morning

Nearly eight and a half years have passed since that life-changing spring morning, and still my experience with God is beyond words. One day I sat at the end of the comfortable, old couch in our music room. I met with God regularly there at 6:00 a.m. That day I was praying when suddenly I felt Him flooding me with the burning fire of the Holy Spirit. I had never known anything like this. It was unmistakable and so powerful that I had to lie down.

In that time, He explained my past to me. The Lord had been waiting for me all those years. I couldn’t receive what He had for me. That was my willful decision. I would not receive. I wanted it my way. I wanted my own answers. My heart had grown so cold it took seven years for it to thaw out. But my God is always faithful.

God continues to teach me. He is calling me into sacrificial prayer. He is directing me to teach prayer seminars. In encounters with others I can say, “Wherever you have anguish in your family, wherever you have suffered deep disappointment, wherever you’ve been disillusioned, wherever the foundation of your life has been pulled out from under you, know that it is not because God is awful. It’s that God is trying to lead you into a deeper understanding of his faithfulness. He can be entrusted with our whole lives. He is constantly trying to do an even greater work in us. Praise His holy name!”

Margaret Therkelsen has earned several degrees in music and recently completed a master’s degree in family and marital counseling at the University of Kentucky. She has an active prayer ministry leading seminars and recording a daily program for a local Christian radio station.