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Touch Points
By Liz Selzer

The groans were audible. The college students in my "Ideas and Issues" class were not overly excited about their latest assignment. I had asked them to have a conversation with someone who was not a Chris­tian.

"What if they won't talk to us?" voiced one frustrated student. 

"What if I don't even know anyone who is not a Christian?" asked another.

Uh-oh, I thought. Just the response I feared.

I was trying to teach the idea of listening for "touch points" (something in common between you and a person from a different background). It was a concept I'd learned in my counseling training. Might it also work while shar­ing faith? I naively hoped the idea would excite the class as much as it had me. Obviously, I was wrong.

"That's the beauty of this assignment," I improvised. "You don't have to perform an eloquent evangelistic speech at them. Instead, you create a safe place by listening and connecting. Most people will talk to you if they feel you're there to really listen to them without an agenda on your part to sell something."

"So we're supposed to just listen to them? What if they start cutting down Christians or our beliefs? What are we supposed to do then?" demanded another student.

"You just might find that listening lowers the need to be combative like that." I replied, hoping to lessen the anxiety in the room.

"As you listen, seek out 'touch points' in what they say. Touch points are topics where you relate to another person's life, in other words, areas of common ground. You may be surprised that you have more in common with a non-Chris­tian than you can imagine right now. These commonalities are the areas to build on for honest discussion."

This seemed to settle the students down, or maybe they had just resigned themselves to the fact that they were going to have to do this assignment. But at least it seemed doable.

What would this assignment yield? I didn't know. I wait­ed anxiously for the next class.

I was grateful (and honestly, surprised) when they all returned the next week upbeat; the energy palpable. Every one had a motivating story to tell.

One told of a Muslim associate who, after his views were genuinely heard, began asking questions about what the student believed.

Another told of an atheist friend who, after seeing what values they shared and the student's respect for her as a per­son, was open to listening to the student's views and having future conversations with her.

Another told of an agnostic acquaintance who began to see the uniqueness of Christianity as they discussed com­monalities and differences of other religions.

The key to their success in having a genuine conversa­tion was the fact that they listened first. Just listened. When they were listening without worrying about what they were going to say next, they were able to find common ground. Many admitted that this surprised them.

They had assumed that a non-Christian would think about and value very different things, but this was not the case. Instead they had a number of things in common, things like the value of love and friendship, safety, and hope.

They had indeed found the touch points that the assignment had asked them to find.

What began as a bothersome homework assignment affected every one of the students. Their enthusiasm also made an impact on me. I couldn't help but think that if this could work for students just trying to get a grade, how effective might it be for those with a mis­sional mindset.

In my work in ministry, a common ques­tion often emerges: How can we encourage those in our congregations to step out and use a relational approach to evangelism? The following steps have been helpful.

Listen. Really listen.

Listening requires us to be quiet-not only on the outside, but also on the inside. Atten­tive listening means we lessen distractions both outside and inside us. On the outside, it means that we keep our eyes on the person speaking to keep from being distracted by things going on around us. We focus on their words and not on the other noises in the room.

On the inside, it means that we don't think about what we are going to say next. We concentrate on hearing what they're saying, verbally and nonverbally, sensing what's important to them, without mentally figuring out ways to correct them.

To listen for the complete communication from other people, we need to:

. Hear the words they say.

. Be aware of how our past history with those words might affect how we hear the words and the meanings we assign to them. Our understanding of certain words may not be theirs.

. Notice body language. How comfortable are they? Do they seem attentive, nervous, or bored?

. Notice emotional cues (pitch of voice, facial expres­sions, eye contact). What does this tell us about how they feel about what they are saying?

All of these are clues that help us understand what the other person is really saying and helps us identify touch points we truly have in common.

This has been a freeing notion for me.

I used to (and still do at times) mentally concentrate on the next thing that I wanted to say, which, of course, required me to tune into my own thoughts and not what the other person was trying to convey. Often I miss the real point of what the other person is saying, because I'm too caught up in what I'm about to say.

But when all I do is listen, the conversation still pro gresses just fine, and I end up learning so much more than if I had spent my time crafting my next "clever" point. James puts it so well: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak."

Spot the touch points

Touch points are areas of common ground, places to explore further. As the other person is speaking, listen for things where your life experience touches theirs:

. A specific topic (growth of the Internet, parenthood)

. An emotion (anger, frustuation, tiredness)

. Specific people (siblings, mentors, Mother Teresa)

. Past experiences (losses, successes, challenges)

Touch points might include relationships with spouses, parents, or friends; life changes such as losing a job or mov­ing to another state; suffering in all the ways it shows up in our lives; the emptiness we might feel at times; the hypocrisy of some Christians; the longing for love and acceptance; the appreciation of nature; issues with shame or guilt, common values and morals.

When you spot a touch point, you can return the con­versation to that common ground.

Once I was talking with a woman who was a devout Hindu. I thought we would have nothing in common. After all, she believed in multiple gods and Karma. But I decided to listen to her and try to understand how this seemingly intelligent woman could be so "misled."

What happened forever changed my perspective on relating to people of other faiths. We began to talk about our children, our spouses, our frustration with the speed at which life was moving, our dislike of the constantly windy weather, our busyness, and even our desire for hope for the future.

This woman was not as different from me as I had thought. A genuine bond was formed through our com­mon emotions and experiences that still exists today.

She has not given up all of her Hindu beliefs, but we have had open conversations about God's grace and the gift of Christ's unconditional love, and how that can give hope to all of God's creation.

As Paul says: "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone to win as many as possible" (I Corinthians 9:19).

Affirm those areas of agreement
Initially, we want to gain more information than just the one sentence of interest on a touch point. A more rounded picture of what the other person thinks on a subject will allow us to relate to them more fully and effectively.

One way is to simply paraphrase what they say. This not only checks our understanding, but allows them to hear for themselves what they have said. Often they will correct our perception or add additional information. The great thing about paraphrasing is we don't have to be thinking ahead about the next question or our next response, we can just summarize what they're saying. This shows them that we have really been listening.

One of the best gifts we can offer other people is to help them feel that they have truly been heard.

Again, we need to be careful not to be tempted to give them immediate counter points to everything we do not agree with. I know this can be very difficult because this is where I personally really have to bite my tongue. Disagree­ing too quickly can shut down the conversation.

If we can continue listening without verbal judgment, however, the conversation continues and our bond is strengthened. If they feel we are really listening to them, they are affirmed. Often this will open the door for them to be willing to listen to us. But that usually comes later.

To build on a touch point, once we have really heard what the other person has to say on the subject, find and comment on the area where you agree. For instance, we might both like the same sports team or television program. We might both have challenges in communicating with our children. As we talk further, we may uncover that both of us suffer with secret issues of insecurity.

Even though you may not agree with all they say about a topic, you can still build on a touch point. For instance, we may not agree with the way someone disciplines his or her children, but we can both agree on the touch point of how much we love our children.

Or we may not agree with a view that "all good people end up in heaven regardless of their beliefs," but we can agree on the touch points of the desire to be good, the desire to understand what happens after death, and the desire to go to an enjoyable place when we die.

Take the next step
After affirming the areas of common ground, expand on them. For instance, if we have discovered that another person has a desire to find purpose in their life, we can encourage them to talk more about this desire and then share that we have the same desire.

We can discuss what that desire looks like in practical real-life examples, and what we have or have not done about it so far. We can talk about what Christians believe about life purpose and why.

It's in this context that Peter says, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the rea­son for the hope that you have" (1 Peter 3:15).

We don't have to tell others that we think they are bad for the beliefs they currently hold. This type of judgmental-ism is a turn-off in most of our current culture and will often prevent any real communication in the future.

Faith means we can allow others to discover what might be lacking in their beliefs in time. We usually don't have to rush it. The goal is to continue with the conversation, not stop it short. Instead, engage them in the joy or peace that we have found. Explain why we have the hope we enjoy, and if asked, share with them how they too can find it.

Listening and keying in on touch points opens an important door to the power of genuine relationship with others.

Whether we know it or not, all of us encounter those who are not Christians. Our society is increasingly filled with those who don't know God. These are simple steps that anyone can try. The relationships and fruitful dialogue that open doors in the future are well worth the effort.

Liz Selzer is director of leadership development with MOPS International in Denver, Colorado.



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